Why God Why #1: (Almost) everything I purchased off Amazon this year: A retrospective

One of the bonuses to making purchases online is being able to keep track of what you have obtained in the past. Of course, this can also be a double-edged sword. Who wants to remember the fact that you bought a cheese grater off Ebay in 2010 because you didn’t want to put on pants that day and go to Target?

Not me. Yet, here we are.

In order to move forward to the great unknown of the next year, a look back is in order. To know where I am going I have to know where I have been.

Finally, real talk: making a critique of every inane purchase on Amazon this year might just be the internal strife I need to stop buying stupid shit for no reason off Amazon.

I blame Amazon Prime. Let us do this, chums.


We start the year off with something simple enough: Things for Rachel’s birthday. The two Wolverine trades maybe could have been reconsidered, considering we own the individual issues. But, that means going into my closet of death and digging out shoe boxes full of comics. No thanks.

King of Tokyo continues to be a worthy addition to our gaming collection. I regret nothing.

The Rating: *** out of *****


Despite this product, my my obese, twenty-pound cat continues to be covered in dandruff. I believe I’ve been bamboozled. BAMBOOZLED, I SAY.

The Rating: ** out of *****


One of the downsides of buying a computer from a non-warranty offering, non-retail internet dealer is that you have to fix your own hardware issues. After a year of my computer’s old power supply making this clicking sound like the zombies from The Last of Us, a change had to be made. I REGRET NOTHING.

The Rating: **** out of *****


Your eyes do not deceive you, gentle viewer: the total price for that PlayStation 4 is not an optical illusion. The bonuses to putting every wedding expense onto your rewards-earning credit card is getting fat stacks of Amazon gift cards.

Of course, a deal had to be made: In exchange for a PS4, my wife was allowed to get a second cat. Regrets, I do not have them.

The Rating: ***** out of *****


Number of times used: Zero. I may possibly regret adding another hardback, bulky book to my collection. Whoops.

The Rating: DUD out of *****


A two-for-one rating; a present for my Dad’s birthday in a water fountain for his dog, and a new mouse pad for myself. The water fountain has been a rousing success with Gidget, so I consider that a win. Many may question the need or want for a “fancy gaming” mouse pad in this day and age, but thus far the purchase has been worth every penny…Even if it doesn’t fit on my computer desk.

The Rating: *** out of *****



Those Skittles were awesome. I consider the first Amazon Prime Pantry trial a smashing success.

The Rating: **** out of *****


I think this may be the first pillow I have ever bought for myself. Every pillow I have used to this point was either provided by my parents or stolen from any and every hotel I have stayed at.

Don’t judge me: You gotta get pillows from SOMEWHERE, right?

The Rating: ** out of *****


Everything in this order was returned, minus the shoes. The shoes were an excellent purchase, however.

At least Prime makes clothing returns an easy process. Good guy Amazon.

The Rating: *** out of *****


A hefty purchase for our weekly RPG group’s current Star Wars campaign. The new core rulebook has been a worthy purchase and the cards are just nice to have. I regret…Nothing.

The Rating: **** out of *****


The power adapter was a birthday present for myself, while the new carafe was to fix a kitchen mistake that left my wife and I coffee-less. A terrible fate, much worse than death. Seriously, do any of you even understand the ramifications of not having my forty dollar a month, hand-picked by slave labor in Peru, fresh-roasted coffee beans? YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF THE TRAVESTIES OF MY LIFE.

Damn good coffee.

The Rating: ***** out of *****


A reoccurring purchase, and a worthwhile one. Anyone who has ever owned a cat should know that 40 pounds of clay cat little for under twenty bucks is some kind of miracle sent down by God or Allah or Kanye West. Added bonus: The FedEx guy carries said 40 pound box of litter up to our door. ‘MURICA!

The Rating: **** out of *****


I love and use both of these objects on a daily basis. As an added bonus, I feel legitimately better from the massive amounts of water I drink per day. HURRAY FOR GOOD DECISIONS!

The Rating ***** out of *****


Yet another “something electronics related broke and has to be replaced” moment. Cables are the worst. Now if I could just buy some kind of cable-management system to keep the jungle that is behind my couch from eating my cats. I wish everything ever was wireless. Sigh. Dreams.

The Rating: **** out of *****


….I’ll get that IPad Mini from my internet provider eventually, right? Right?

Sigh. Bollocks.

The Rating: * out of *****

The Wrap Up: More purchased exist, especially in the last month, However, I don’t think posting the prices of what I paid for Christmas presents to be proper etiquette.

So, what have we learned?

Amazon certain makes buying things easier. This is a dark power that must be used with caution and control. Just remember, without knowing your limits, you too could be awake at 1 a.m. on a Saturday night, going back and forth on the merits of paying for one-day shipping for a novelty beer mug.

Stay safe, friends. Merry Christmas.

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